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  Chapter Thirty-One

  Two months later…

  Celina

  THE KIDS ARE PLAYING in the backyard on the swing set. My mother and I now have a house of our own, but right now, I’m sitting in Theresa’s kitchen enjoying hot tea. It’s September and Oregon is feeling a touch of autumn. Theresa assures me it will warm up a bit before the weather completely changes. It’s different here. Four seasons to the two we get in the desert. I’ll adjust, or at least I will if I ever warm up.

  I’ve grown to love Theresa and her husband, Salvador. Also their two children, Daniella and Emilio. The children have been wonderful for Kiley. She’s still quiet, but her smiles and laughter come much easier. My mom bought her a tiny black and white kitten. Kitsy Kitsy sleeps with Kiley each night and the two of them are practically inseparable. When Kiley can’t take the cat with her, she brings her doll Mary. I’ve told her about Dax and I make sure she knows that Dax cares about her and that he’s the reason she’s in our lives.

  Kiley is still shy around me. Two months and I still can’t breach that barrier. My mom replaced Gabriella as Kiley’s surrogate mother. The truth is—my mother is more Kiley’s mom than I am. I accept it. More than anything, I want Kiley happy and safe. She’s also given my mother a reason to live. The loss of my father hit her hard, and Kiley is now her world.

  Theresa breaks into my daydreaming. “So how are you really?”

  By really she means me and Alex. I lift the cup to my lips and take a sip to give myself time. “It’s not getting easier. I miss him.”

  “I miss him too. I think he’s the most stubborn man alive.”

  I give a small huff of laughter. “He is. No doubt about it.” I need to change the subject so I don’t bawl like a baby. I do enough of that alone in my room each night. “I’ve been checking out college courses and I’ve decided to return to school.”

  Theresa claps her hands like a teenager, which makes me grin again. “That’s perfect. Are you going after your master’s?”

  “No, I’m considering an entirely new career. I refuse to live off Alex’s money forever.” Theresa’s smile disappears. “Don’t get me wrong,” I assure her, “I appreciate everything he’s done. It just doesn’t feel right and I need something to do with my life.”

  “I understand. We’ve been putting the money Alex sends into accounts for the children. They have college paid for and they will have a tidy nest egg when they graduate. Salvador is making good money with his carpentry now. Alex helped him get where he is today and we will be forever grateful. What Alex doesn’t understand is that I would take him back over the money any day.” She loves her brother so much. “I think he’s right, though. His world is too dangerous for children.”

  She knows the entire story just as my mother does. Neither condemned me for selling my body. I should have told my mother the truth from the beginning. I didn’t make the same mistake with Theresa. She and Salvador took us in and deserved honesty. She taps her fingers on the table top. “Let’s change the subject. Have you thought about preschool for Kiley?”

  I inhale in relief. I don’t enjoy discussing Alex and especially not the money. “Until my head aches. I’m so worried she isn’t ready.”

  Theresa shakes her head. “She can handle two hours a day three days a week. I think you’re too protective. She needs to interact with children her age and be normal.”

  Theresa is a good mother; I am not. “I know you’re right and my mom agrees with you. I just keep thinking if I give her more time, she’ll bond with me. I’m selfish, really.”

  Theresa’s expression changes and I know she wants to say something, but she doesn’t. “Go ahead. I’m a big girl, you can say it,” I tell her.

  “You try too hard. Children sense this.”

  She’s right, I do. I struggle to talk to Kiley and everyone around makes it seem so easy. “I’ll try hard not to try.” I smile to take the sting out of the words.

  “Of course you will. That baby will always know that you saved her. She will never forget.”

  If I could change anything, it would be that she forgets her past completely. I worry that she associates me with her life before. I offer another smile. “I think preschool for Kiley and college for me will be a good thing.”

  “I think you’re right.”

  Alex

  “THE HEAVY BAG WON’T survive,” Moon chides as I try to demolish it with my bare fists. It has tears covered by duct tape and when I’m finished, even duct tape might not help it.

  “I think you can afford a new bag,” I grumble. Sweat drips off my face and shoulders as I strike again.

  “Does it help?”

  Moon’s asking about Celina. I’ve never told him about the flashing images. Madison asks about Celina all the time. I get sad puppy dog eyes from Mad constantly. I strike the bag again; I’m not happy that Moon is bringing it up this time. “Truthfully, it doesn’t fucking help. I can’t beat this damn bag enough to erase her from my mind. And, I’m getting too damn old, and the fucking bullet wounds still ache.” I’m hoping Moon laughs, but I don’t get that fucking lucky. Instead, he opens the door that should stay closed.

  “Does the killing bother you, Alex?”

  I stop hitting the bag and turn. I’m angry. “Does it bother you?” I throw back.

  He doesn’t look away. “Every life we take bothers me.”

  The pain of each life is in his eyes. Maybe it’s always been there but I’m too selfish in my own pain to see it. I want to rage and kick things. I rest my forehead against the bag and take deep steady breaths. “Then why do we do it?” I ask without looking at him.

  “Because sometimes we have no choice.”

  He’s right, we don’t. Now I look at him. “It bothers me. I’ve turned into the monster we fought against in the beginning.”

  He shakes his head. “No, I don’t agree. We both know that patting someone on the head and telling them not to deal to kids or cut the drugs with drain cleaner isn’t going to make a statement. We keep the monsters in check, Alex. As long as it bothers us, we aren’t the monsters.”

  His words don’t help. The images would stop if I wasn’t a monster. I’ve convinced myself that I was a different person with Celina and that’s why they went away.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Four months later…

  Alex

  THE MEETING WITH DAX went as well as can be expected. His men don’t trust us. I trust Dax and not them, so I understand. The terms we settled on will benefit us all. I didn’t think Dax could pull his club out of the meth trade, but it looks like he’s done it. We are investing heavily in medical marijuana farms here in Arizona. Dax is joining us. It will be legal for everyone in the next few years and not just those with a prescription. The suppliers involved in the medical end will have a head start when that happens. Madison is a big reason that we’re slowing down our illegal drug operation.

  She’s changed us all.

  I’ve never asked Dax what became of Kiley’s mom. I looked around the clubhouse today and didn’t see anyone who resembled a grownup version of Kiley. I never knew the woman’s name. Why the hell should I expect some meth-head woman to actually look like Kiley is beyond me, but I had to look.

  My sister informed me by telephone that Kiley was adopted quietly by Mrs. Thomas. I didn’t ask Theresa why Celina didn’t adopt her. It’s none of my business and I would think by now, those damned blue eyes of Celina’s would stop haunting me.

  I’m fully recovered from the gunshot wounds. Moon’s syndicate has been running smoothly and there’s been no one to kill in months. The images only come at night or early in the morning when I’m waking up. I’m back to normal, or at least as normal as I can be. For the first time in a long time, my head is mostly screwed on straight.

  So why do I feel like I’m barely surviving each day?

  I park the Caddy in the garage, enter the house, and head to the security room to check in.

  “Hey, boss,
” Cal says. He has a huge grin on his face.

  It’s obvious that something’s up. “Did Gabriella chase Two-dogs with a broom again?” We still have the tape and replay it often. Two-dogs swiped a steak off the counter and Gabriella chased him throughout the house yelling every Spanish curse word in the book. Even I learned a few new ones.

  “No, boss, you have company.”

  I never have company. I give him my fiercest don’t fuck with me look.

  “She’s in your apartment.”

  I think my heart stops. There is only one person they would allow into my apartment.

  “She wasn’t leaving without speaking to you,” Cal adds.

  I didn’t see a vehicle parked out front. “How did she get here?”

  “Cab.”

  I close the security room door behind me without saying another word. Why the fuck is Celina here? I stride to my apartment and throw open the door. Not only is she here, but so is her luggage. Two bags sit against the wall beside the door. She stands from the couch without moving closer.

  I look at the luggage again before sweeping my eyes over her. She’s dressed casually. Her hair’s a little shorter. She may be a little thinner and I don’t like it. Hell, she’s beautiful and I don’t like that either. She shouldn’t be here.

  “Are you going to say anything?” she asks softly.

  A few seconds later, she’s in my arms. I bury my nose in her hair and squeeze so tightly I’m surprised she can breathe. Fuck but I’ve needed this… needed her. Her chest heaves against me and she’s most likely dying from lack of oxygen. It’s not the case. She’s crying.

  Her sweet tears.

  “Don’t send me away,” she whispers into my shoulder.

  Why the hell is she doing this? “Celina, God, you can’t be here.” It’s all I can say. She begins kissing my throat and pulling aside the collar of the pullover shirt I’m wearing. Moon said no suits at the meeting with Dax, so I didn’t wear a fucking suit. Civilized men don’t conduct business in jeans and pullovers. Fuck me, civilized women don’t bite hard enough to leave a mark either.

  Fuck it.

  I pick her up and carry her to my room. I’ll send her away later. Much later. I’ll also spank her ass for doing this.

  Later.

  The sounds she makes almost make me come in my pants. I rip her shirt in my haste to get it off. Her bra, pants, and panties follow in seconds. I toe my shoes off and bring the shirt over my head while Celina struggles with my jeans. I push her back on the bed and kick off my pants myself. I place my knee between her legs and my hands beside her head as I try to catch my breath and process that this isn’t a dream.

  She’s here. She’s real.

  She lifts a hand to my jaw and runs her fingers over my chin. “I drove to Washington, took a flight to Florida and then a flight to Phoenix. I made sure no one followed me. I would never jeopardize your sister and her family.”

  Hell. That was the last thing I was thinking of.

  “How about you put your mouth to good use and fucking kiss me,” I say as I lower my head. Her eyes are huge and her lips the cherry red I’ve dreamed about. She waits for my lips to meet hers. I drown in her taste. Six months I’ve stayed away and it’s practically killed me. Instead, she comes here.

  Her fingers clench my biceps, her nails dig into my skin. I. Must. Be. Inside. Her. I break the kiss and rear back. On my knees, I lift her hips so her legs are over the tops of my thighs. Her crystal blue eyes are open and expressive. I line my cock to her entrance and slowly slide inside her. She’s the sizzling heat I crave. She gasps as I push deeper.

  Her shoulders and head are against the pillows, her ass off the bed. “Touch your breasts,” I whisper raggedly.

  Her neck arches and her palms cover her breasts. I slowly pull my cock out and then push back in. Her body stretches to accommodate me. So tight. So perfect.

  “I love you, Alex.”

  I say nothing. I want her desperate. I want her needing me to quicken my pace. I just fucking want her to want me as badly as I want her. I keep it slow and fight harder to do it than I’ve ever needed to. Her lips turn up and the smile she gives me is almost more than I can bear. She knows how I like it and she doesn’t beg me to take her faster even though I see the burning need in her eyes.

  Slow, controlled, crazy. That’s how it should be.

  She clenches around me and her smile grows. I slap her ass and she squeals with the sharp pain. It shouldn’t be like this—like we’ve been together these past six months. We both feel the desperation and need the explosion of release. The dance is better for waiting. I’ve always known that and it looks like my little tiger has discovered the secret too.

  She closes her eyes for a moment and when they open, the blue of her irises are darker. She pinches her nipples and I dig my fingers into the soft flesh of her ass. She grits her teeth and my smile grows. “Admit you love me,” she says.

  “How could you not know?” I ask with my own smile.

  More tears slip from her eyes and it kills me to see them. “You ready?” I groan.

  “Always.”

  I throw my head back and slam her onto my dick as I thrust into her. I would swear my huge monstrosity of a bed would never move, but I’m pounding into her so hard the bed rocks. This is why the slow buildup is so fucking good. My control is gone and my vision blurs. The sounds we make fill the room—wet bodies, heavy groans, her sweet sighs. She fists her hair when she’s close to orgasm and I smooth my hand along the crevice of her ass and slide one finger inside. She cries out louder and I jerk her against me and hold her while her body comes undone. When she quiets, I pick up the pace again until my cock unleashes into her.

  Time stands still as I claim the woman who holds my heart.

  Celina

  HE LOVES ME. NO, he hasn’t said the words but he’s come close enough for now. We’re curled together, his arms tight around me. I had no idea what to expect when I showed up. Had he moved on? Would he still want me if he hadn’t moved on?

  It took everything I had to be brave enough to come back to him. I’m glad I went away. I had things I had to learn about myself. I’m much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I can be stronger still. Strong enough to hold us together and fight for this incredible man. Fight him so I can stay.

  “You’re leaving in the morning,” he whispers in my ear. “You can’t come back.”

  This is what I’m talking about. I turn over and move my hair aside so I can see him. “You can’t make me leave this time.” I hope he hears the finality in the words.

  “Christ,” he says and turns his head so he isn’t looking at me.

  My fingers curl against the skin on his chest. Slowly, I dig my nails in. I know it hurts him, but he’s hurting both of us. My hand is over the scar from the bullet. It’s still slightly red. I want him to look at me, so I dig in a little harder. I let up when he meets my eyes again.

  “Kiley,” he says. “This is no place for a child. I can’t do it, Celina.” He slides his fingers through my hair and palms the side of my head. “I can’t endanger you and Kiley because of who I am. I won’t.”

  “You’re right. Kiley can’t be here. She’s happy. Happy where she is. She doesn’t need me. She’s adjusting—” I close my eyes and try to stop the tears. When I open them, Alex’s eyes are darker. “She has my mother and hasn’t needed me since we went for her. She has a pet cat, my mother, and your sister. I was never who she needed. I’ve come to accept that.”

  He pulls me closer and rolls to his back so my head is resting on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Celina. She just doesn’t know how to show her love yet.”

  I shake my head slightly. “No. She can. She shows it to a lot of people. I can live with knowing she’s happy. The person I need is here with me now. Please, Alex,” my throat catches. “Want me.”

  I’ve poured out my heart, but he remains silent. That says it all. I finally push away and rise from the bed, and he lets me. �
��I’m not leaving Phoenix. I’m here to stay. It doesn’t matter if you don’t want me.” I don’t bother wiping away the tears. “I started school again and I’m transferring here. I’ll work in the Phoenix area when I graduate.” He looks angry. I place my hands on my hips. “You can’t stop me.”

  He groans in frustration. “You’re not safe here.”

  I tilt my chin up and refuse to give in. I’m as vulnerable as a woman can be—naked, giving him my heart with no shame while he pushes me away. I will not let up.

  He stands up and eliminates the space between us. He doesn’t touch me. He lifts his fingers until they’re in front of my face. “These hands kill people, Celina. They pound them until they’re bloody scraps of meat. These hands. You have no idea what I do with these hands.”

  I place my fingers over his. His are so large and mine so small. His dark, mine light. It’s a beautiful combination. “Then tell me, Alex. Tell me what you do. Explain it to me. You’re a good man.” I lift his hands to my mouth and kiss them. “I’ve seen the good in you. You would only kill to protect the people you love. The same way Cal shot that woman. You have a right to protect the people you love.”

  He pulls his hands away and steps back. He grabs his pants off the floor and pulls them on. “You have no idea what you’re saying. You live in a world of rainbows and unicorns.” He’s spitting mad, but so am I.

  I jerk the sheet off the bed and cover myself. “Then tell me. Let me make my own choice. Tell me what you do and who you are. I know you kill people, but I don’t know why.”

  He paces a few feet away and turns. “Drugs, guns, money. More money than you can imagine. Fucking money, Celina. We line our pockets with it.” He waves his hands above him. “We pay for this place. We pay off cops. We pay the salaries of other killers. That’s who and what I am. You can’t romanticize that. Hell.” He runs his hands over his head and turns away.

  I drop the sheet and move in behind him. I circle his stomach, but he stays frozen. “You think I hadn’t guessed these things. Now I know them for fact. I don’t like it, but I love you.” I lay my head against his back. “I will compromise for you. That’s what you do when you love someone.”